A Bugged Life, Part I and II OR Shaq Attack!

Many of you are not aware, but my room is one of the places that insects frequent. They just LOVE to fly/hop in and out of my room like it's their clubhouse.

Bug #1: Hey, dude! Where are you going?
Bug #2: Oh hey! I'm off to see what the buzz is about. I heard this cool place from my friends and they say it has an amazing landing area and swooping are--
Bug #1: Whoah. An amazing--
Bug #2: --like you wouldn't believe.
Bug #1: --SWOOPING AREA? Get out!
Bug #2: I know! And I heard it's getting more crowded everyday, so I'm going there now before it gets packed.
Bug #3: Hi guys!
Bug #1: Don't tell me you're going to--
Bug #3: Yes, I am! I am just dying to see Josh Hornet in concert.
Bug #1: Wait. You're telling me, that Josh Hornet is going to have a concert in that latest chill-out place?
Bug #3: Yeah! Didn't you hear? Oh, my gosh, he's SO hot. He buzzes like no other hornet can and did I mention he has the sexiest thorax in the WORLD? Sigh ... (twirls around ... and around ... and around ... )
Bug #1: Wow, she's .... oh, WOW. Um, hey! Can you stop? You're going to get-- (Bug #3 hits a tree) --dizzy. Or fall flat on your face, apparently. Hey, dude-- Where the hell ... Darn, he left without me! Now what? (hears Kool and the Gang's "Celebration" and sees five bugs with aphros, clad in thorax-baring shirts)
Gang of Bugs: YA-HOO!
Bug #1: (to himself) I bet they're going to that place. Ya-hoo!

And yahoo he did, from dusk till dawn. He has since converted and became a Josh Hornet fan. Bug #3 miraculously survived (as she has had similar experiences in the past, which has caused her body to develop some sort of immunity) but did not remember who or what Josh Hornet was.

***

One hot afternoon, I was happily typing my final year project report, when a grasshopper made its presence known by landing on my pillow. At first I wasn't sure of its identity as it is, without a doubt, the largest grasshopper I've ever seen so I thought there's no way it's a grasshopper. Or it could be a grasshopper who has had too much growth hormones. He's the Shaq of grasshoppers. It's HUGE, I'm telling you.

(Henceforth said huge grasshopper will be referred to as Shaq.)

I tried to ignore Shaq because I have a deadline to meet and I have no time for dealing with such unwanted visitors, especially if they have antennas. But the enormousness of Shaq cannot be ignored and not long after, I was starting to feel creeped out. Granted, he was just staring at me but I won't have any of it. I shall not be terrorized in my own room. So I took arms (by which I meant, flimsy slippers) in the hope of threatening him to leave the vicinity, which is MY TERRITORY. Shaq, whose athletic abilities surpasses that of the human form Shaq, leaped (LEAPED!) out of my bed and FLEW TO MY HAIR, which made me shake my head like I'm Tina, the crazy shapeshifter of Smallville season 2.

Shaq ended up on the floor near my closet and from his brief landing on my head, I realized that his size, apparently, is not what I should worry about. Don't let that friendly greenish color fool you. He's one tough and VERY STRONG grasshopper. I stared at him, baffled by his unbelievable strength. He returned The Stare and from his antennas, I could tell he's preparing for action. I thought, "OH, SO YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, HUH? HUH?"

Then it occurred to me. A plan. A simple, yet risky, plan. I grabbed a microwavable bowl and silently positioned myself behind Shaq. Slowly, I lowered the bowl and trapped him with it. Hah! But Shaq jumped with all his might, until the bowl almost tipped over. I held on to the bowl like my life depended on it and after a moment of crying to the heavens while steadying the bowl down, I subdued Shaq. Shaq gave up, tired from all that jumping and bumping to the wall of the bowl, and accepted his fate as a prisoner.

"Hi, I'm Shaq. I was just minding my own business, y'all, and all of a sudden this crazy lady starts assaulting me with her slippers! And then! She imprisons me like I'm some sort of criminal! WHAT THE HELL?!?"

Never have I been more grateful for keeping a collection of microwavable containers, because THIS is an example that shows one cannot have too many of those.

Shaq, with his Herculean strength, cannot be left alone or he would escape. I had to weigh down the top of the bowl with, among other things, a purse filled with Philippine coins (don't ask me why for I have no idea). Then all was peaceful. I went back to typing and carried on with my life.

I, of course, reported the bizarre incident to Donny, who must be thinking why his girlfriend would take on an innocent insect and that there must be something loose in her head. But he didn't. He helped me seal Shaq's dungeon with the lid of the microwavable bowl (thus eliminating the need for the purse) and volunteered to set him free. I warned him it could get ugly. Luckily, he didn't experience said ugliness.

When he left my room, he forgot to take Shaq (and his dungeon) with him so he remained imprisoned (Shaq, not Donny), sealed in a container, IN MY ROOM. Soon after, I lost interest in Shaq's welfare and he was forgotten. For days, he would jump, in an attempt to extricate himself from this life-sucking predicament, but to no avail. Until one day, I didn't hear him jump.

Shaq died, after three or four days of house arrest. More like, I starved him to death. And maybe he was claustrophobic. He went crazy and tried to eat himself because he would rather die than continue living in this hell hole. I stared at the container and the corpse in it, shocked that I could do such a thing. I had felt remorse for a while but recalling what happened to me IN MY ROOM, I would brush it aside. This should teach the other grasshoppers of NTU not to mess with me.

But still, I can't help but be ashamed. Goodbye, Shaq. May you rest in peace (And wherever you are, could you not barge into other people's homes? Thanks.).